Those were the words I heard in my head as they told me the news of Juan. I heard things they were saying about Juan and how it had happened, but my head was saying…suck it up and drive on, infamous words of the military and words my husband often used when life got hard.
Once I had told the boys, I let the men in. To this date all I can remember: one fought back tears and the other one was a Chaplin. But, could you believe, with all this going on, I kept apologizing for the mess in my house. That entire week was spent at Cub Scout, Boy Scout, swimming lessons, school, and let us not forget, just feeling lazy.
After much apologizing for the mess, I asked if someone had already contacted my in laws. They weren’t sure, so I immediately called my father in law and told him, some men were coming and they were going to tell them about Juan, to please take care of my mother in law. I hung up.
Then the men in Class A uniforms asked if I needed someone. Of course I did and could only think of one person, my friend Tanya. Tanya was a woman who I had met in Cub scouts. She knew the world of Army better that any 4 Star General and knew how to get stuff done.
After this was done,” The Dead Welcoming Committee” came. Now, this is my dark humor kicking in because of lack of food. They were three women, wives of the commanders. Two of them were nice, the other one, well, let’s just say, she was not on my Christmas list. Two months before Juan’s death, his first Sergeant, MSG Mack died. He was his mentor. There was no greater man than Mack. For Juan, I can only imagine, it was like losing a brother. I believe Juan felt guilt; Mack was riding in Juan’s Stryker that day, when they were hit with a RPG. Juan called his widow and gave her the news. He kept tabs on her and I understood that. But, when this commander’s wife told me this, she said it in such a tone, like gossip. I’m probably wrong, but that’s way it felt that day. So, she is not my favorite memory.
There was so much going on that first hour. Tanya arrived and then another friend. So much information was flying. I asked how it happened, they responded, he was shot in the head. How? How could that happen? I was mad at Juan for a minute. Juan was so, not by the book soldier, but he was a great soldier. I thought that for a moment he had done something wrong, but no, not him. His squad had run over an IED, all the guys fell to the floor. Juan got up check to make sure everyone was o.k. and then he manned the weapon because his vehicle was under small arms attack. Then, as he reloaded his weapon, he was shot with an armor piercing bullet. Only later on did I learn, it took him 8 minutes to die.
The rest of day, well at least of what I can remember of it was spent with details, details, details and details. I finally met my Casualty Officer, nice lady, but, get this; I was upset she was a girl. Can you believe that, I am so sexist? But she was great, most of the time. Then she handed me the “Death Gratuity” check. It took me weeks to cash it. In my little head, I thought just in case it was a mistake.
Finally, the end of that day had come. My friends went to pick up my parents and in laws at the airport and the boys were had gone to a friend’s house. I was left alone. I was alone to clean the house. I was alone to think. Finally, I couldn’t suck it up and drive on. I screamed…I yelled…Juan why did you leave me. You promise we would grow old together. Why Juan? What Am I going to do without you now? I was mad. But I couldn’t stay mad at him to long. I never could.
But still, I wonder, what am I going to do without him.
Juan I miss you sweetie